THE JOKE BUFFET PAGE

I'd Much Rather Have A Joke Than A Toke Anyday

1. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf."

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

2. Yesterday, scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should reconsider their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned....

3. The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Blond:

Free dinners. You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact.

Speeding ticket? What's that? You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt, watching sports.

If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being.

A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned.

If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud.

If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.

If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup. If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser.

You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.

You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers.

When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out.

If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with him.

If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

4. Beer Bottles and Change:

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

5. I Don't Understand:

Stanley was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player, who was known primarily for his lack of I.Q. and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." Stanley's wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

6. At The Bus Stop:

One day at a bus stop, there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!" Shocked, the man said, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

7. A little girl said, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? "Why sure you can," her grandfather replied. As she sat on her grandfather's lap she said, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl said, "Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?" Perplexed, her grandfather said, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" And the little girl said, "Because Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

8. Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly. They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'" The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'" Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

9. A very wealthy entrepreneur named John retired to the countryside. On one of his long walks, he passed a Mental Institution, and behind the chain link fence, he saw the patients fighting ferociously with each other. Hailing a man standing close to the fence, John asked what was going on. The man replied, "This happens every day; there's nothing else to do." So John went to see the director and offered to install a swimming pool at his expense. The director was very happy with the offer and accepted immediately. Ten days later, John received a phone call from the director, requesting his presence the following day for the grand opening. Pleased, John accepted. He than decided to take a stroll out to the Institution to see how well the pool had been built. As he approached the fence, he heard laughing and exited voices. A few yards later, he had a full view of a beautiful pool, complete with high tower diving boards, for which the patients were lining up to do cannonballs and swan dives. Calling the same man at the fence, John said, "You guys like this, huh? I see no more fighting, isn't this fun?" The man replied, "Sure is, Mister, but tomorrow it'll be even more fun when they put the water in it."

10. It's Fifty-Fifty:

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they ordered only one meal and an extra drinkcup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."

11. It's a Booze Party:

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

12. A man and woman got married and had a little boy who was very healthy, but as he got older his parents noticed that he never spoke. This concerned his parents greatly. They took their son to several doctors who ran series of tests and told them that the boy was perfectly healthy but would probably never speak. Resigned, the parent took their son home and did everything in their power to keep him happy. One night seven years later while eating dinner, the little boy looked up from his plate and said in a clear voice, "These peas are cold." Overjoyed, his parents celebrated and hugged and kissed him. "Oh," they said. "Were so happy. We thought you couldn't speak. Why haven't you spoken until now?" The boy looked at his parents and said, "Well up until these peas, everythings been fine."

13: Kids' Test Papers:

These are from test papers and essays submitted by kids:

* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire." * "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars." * "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." * "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." * "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." * "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." * "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." * "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u." * "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects." * "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

14: The blonde goes to the gynecologist for an examination.
"It looks," the doctor says, "like you have acute vaginitis." "Thank you," she replies demurely.

15: A dedicated shop steward, at a union convention in Las Vegas, decides to check out the local brothels.
At the first one, he asks the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomps off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continues until finally he reaches a brothel where the madam says, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man says. He looks around the room and points to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," replies the madam, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman squatting in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

16. The Beginning Sex Ed teacher draws a picture of a penis on the blackboard.

"Does anyone know what this is?" she asks.

Little Johnny raises his hand. "Sure," he says, "my daddy has two of them!"

"Two of them?!" exclaims the teacher.

"Sure," says Johnny. "He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"

17. On their first date, Joe took beautiful, quiet Rose to the carnival.

When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose shyly replied, "Get weighed."

So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next.

"Get weighed," she said.

So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round.

After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next.

"I want to get weighed!" she said again.

By now, Joe thought this girl was more than a little weird, so he decided to end the evening quickly.At her at the door, he gave a quick handshake and quickly took his leave.

Rose's roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went.

"Wousy!" Rose replied.

18. A priest to Africa to "spread the good word."

He went deep into the jungle and found a tribe. In his enthusiasm, he had forgotten that he would have to teach people English before he could preach to them. So, he selected what he thought was the smartest of the tribesmen and began his teaching.

They went for long walks in the jungle. The priest would point to a rock and say "rock." And the native would say "bagwundame." The priest would repeat "rock," and the native would say "rock." Then priest would point and say "tree," and the native would say "tree," and so on, until the native had a minor understanding of English.

It was on one of these "nature walks" that the pair stumbled a young couple making love. Naturally, the priest was embarrassed. As he turned to leave, the tribesman asked, "What they do?"

The priest, flustered, said, "Uuuhhh, why, they're, uh, uh, mmm, fuc..., er, no they're scre..., er, mmmaking whoop..., cough, THEY RIDE BICYCLE!"

He thought, hey, this guy's never gonna see a bicycle anyway...so...

Instantly, the native whipped out a blowgun and shot both lovers dead on the spot with poison darts.

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" screams the outraged cleric. "THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING ANY TWO PEOPLE CAN DO!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT??" he shouted. "WHY???"

"Because he ride MY bicycle," answered the native.